gloom at 21

I cried today. I couldn’t believe it. Odd. Tears streaming down my face you know? Just odd. I was alone of course. Imagine Mark or anyone really saw. Haha. Actually no. Not funny. He would be like what the fuck.
It was about my dad. Go figure. It’s so fucked up how everything in my life is informed by him. Everything I do. Or actually everything I don’t do. I’m trying to escape everything he was but he is in my mind every single time I have to make a decision. Always ‘what would he do?’. And I do the opposite. But he’s still always there. Fuck. I wish I could speak to people. Actually I don’t. It would be too awkward and I couldn’t handle that. I could speak to a girl I guess. They’re always good at listening or whatever. But Mark is just as good. I just can’t stand the way he looks at me sympathetically. I’m not a fucking stray dog. Jesus.
I don’t know what I’m doing with my life. I want to be big you know? Catastrophic. Monu-fucking-mental. Not just mental. Like him. It doesn’t help that I’m managing two shitty bands with no prospect of ever making it big. And the fact that I have to work a ‘real’ job now doesn’t make things better. The nine to five skit really messes with my self-esteem. I’m not built for it. That was my dad’s life. Which he took. Haha. Don’t wanna go down that toilet now do I.
Man, I need to sort my mind out. Get amped about life again. Whatever
Im going to play DOTA.
Peace